Guilt and Chronic Illness

28 July 2018

Hi my names Beth and I spend way too much of my time feeling guilty for things out of my control. Having a chronic illness affects me both physically and mentally. I spend a lot of my time in pain but the guilt makes me feel just as shit. My health means my life is pretty unpredictable and I have to spend way more time than I would like resting. Unfortunately, the world makes us feel guilty for not being busy/doing things with a solid 75% of our time.

Guilt and Chronic Illness
I can't work so I feel guilty & lazy for not contributing to society. I'm made to feel like a failure because my body doesn't function enough for me to work. This is made even worse by the question I hate the most.
So what are you doing now?
Well, Susan, I spend most of my time trying to stop my body from falling apart and the rest of it resting from the exertion of failing at stopping my body from falling apart. Is that enough for you?

I feel guilty that other sick people have to work. Then I compare myself and think maybe I would be able to work. Then I get up before 10am 2 days in a row and die a painful death.

I feel guilty if I'm having a good day because maybe I'm not as ill as I think I am. Maybe the doctors were right and it is in my head. Then I overdo it and my body reminds me that it is definitely very real.

I feel lazy if I'm having a bad day and have to spend it in bed doing nothing. However, when you have a chronic illness, doing nothing can be exhausting.

I feel guilty for having to cancel plans. My body is unpredictable and no matter how much I want to do something some days I wake up and it's just too much. 

I feel guilty for not being able to do what I said I would and my family having to step in for me. Having to cancel giving someone a lift etc.

I feel guilty that my family have to do so much for me. I'm basically a 5ft 3 toddler some days. I'm 25 and my mum still can't go away without making sure I have someone to look after me. She has to cook all my meals for me, clean my house, dress and wash me. 

I feel guilty that I can't help out as much as I would like.

I feel guilty for sleeping in in the mornings even though I sleep so poorly at night. I'm pretty much a vampire and do my best sleeping between the hours of 5am-11am. 

I feel guilty and lazy for not blogging as often as I would like. However, trying to write with brain fog or extreme fatigue/pain is just impossible. I can't concentrate and nothing I write makes sense. I also can't take photos because it is way more physical than you think it is.

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I have lost friends over cancelling too many times or not always having the energy to reply to messages. So if you have a friend/family member with a chronic illness just bear in mind that they probably already feel guilty without you adding to it.

 I don't want to cancel all the time. I hate that I can't work. I hate that I have to rely on other people to function/live. It's not something I chose but you can guarantee that I make the most of it so please don't try and make me feel like shit for things out of my control. 

Obviously, if I eat the last cookie, hog the blankets or steal your favourite jumper then obviously call me a dick but just accept that I will always be a bit of a flake because my body sucks.

Beth...x

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