Mentally & Physically Struggling

29 July 2015

I was so excited to finish uni because it meant no more assignments, no more stressing over exams and I could finally have to time to blog on a proper schedule. Turns out my body had other ideas. I crashed hard physically and mentally. Since being home I have ended up sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room because I cant manage the stairs. I am living out of a bag in my own house because my mum just brings down what I need. I can't remember the last time I was in my room.

Photo-bombed by Olaf
(Photo taken ages ago Pre pink hair)

My depression pulled me back in and I ended up spending most days curled up in the dark on my sofa bed binge watching netflix. I only got out of bed for coffee and food (and to pee because my bladder is tiny) and I didn't need to do that that often because my PA came in and made me lunch and my mum made dinner. I didn't even realise how depressed I was until my mum told me she was worried about me and then it hit me. I cried a lot at that because the last time it was soo bad. I nearly quit uni and cried most days.

My main issue at the moment is fighting the guilt. I just feel so damn guitly all the time. I feel guilty that I've taken over my parents living room, that they have to do everything for me, that I'm not contributing towards the rent etc. I feel like a burden even though I know my  parents don't feel this way and they've never tried to make me feel this. They always support me and surround me with love and my family are just amazing. (I couldn't do this without them. I just really really need my own place so I can have my own space but that requires a job and that requires better health so life is interesting. I'm also struggling with having no clue what I want to do with my life. I know this is common after finishing uni but having everyone I meet constantly asking if I have a job yet just makes me feel like a failure.

Anyway the point of this post was to tell you why I disappeared and why my posts might not be so frequent. Although I am now determined to dig my way out of this pit and get back to what I love and find new things I love. There's a job coming up with Whizz kidz that I'm applying for and really really hope I get but I'll still be volunteering with them if I don't. I also have come up with loads of blog ideas so I need to start writing and taking photos. I'm also going to try and interact more on Twitter & Instagram so come and chat.

I also want to say thanks to all of you who give me soo much support on Twitter and here. I have no idea what I would do without you. 

Beth...x

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